In the challenging world of nonprofit fundraising, getting rejected occasionally is to be expected. But getting treated in a way that is dismissive and rude is rare. When Fernande Raine, a social entrepreneur, founder of The History Co:Lab, and former McKinsey consultant, experienced a young program officer at a foundation who did just that, she did something most people would not do. She wrote him a note, not to express anger but with the intention of providing feedback.

The meeting had been long anticipated, to pitch a project that seemed aligned with the foundation’s mission. The program officer did not greet or acknowledge who was on the zoom, and immediately proceeded to asking questions with a condescending tone. Infuriated at first, Fernande wrote a note to his boss that she did not send. After reflecting, she recognized that this was a teachable moment about human interaction.

Centering herself in caring for his growth, just as she was trained to do with colleagues at McKinsey, Fernande crafted an email sharing what effect his actions had on her: “I observed that you did ‘X,’ and it made me feel ‘Y.’ I have a suggestion that the next time you try doing ‘Z’ if you want to have a different effect on people.”

The reply came a short while later: “Your feedback was well received. Thank you.”

 

Far More Than Politeness

When Fernande, who is a friend, told me about this exchange, I was not surprised by her approach to teaching, rather than complaining or reprimanding. After all, Fernande’s startup, The History Co:Lab, encourages young people to explore and understand history as a way to inform and inspire themselves as changemakers. Its approach and curricula encourage civic engagement and participation in democracy.

What may sound like a ‘nice to have’—a kind of business etiquette to make a good impression — is actually a competitive imperative. Fernande’s email exchange delivered an important lesson about improving effectiveness in human interactions at every level. My shorthand for it is ‘don’t be a jerk.’

This means not only that you shouldn’t act like a jerk, but also if someone is a jerk to you, respond with care. It’s a reminder that the way to win is always by communicating with empathy, with consideration of the other person’s perspective, and compassion, even — or especially — when you have to say no or get no for an answer.

 

Durability and relevance

In this exchange, we encounter the skills of communication, collaboration, critical thinking, and creativity, creating a net-positive outcome of a negative situation. As I’ve observed in previous articles, as AI and other advanced technologies change the nature of work, including taking over all or parts of jobs, these so-called ‘durable skills’ are more important than ever. The reason — they help preserve the relevance of humans in a fast-evolving business environment.

If we are not mindful, the ‘one and done’ of accepting or rejecting a proposal, idea, or other interaction without engagement anchors us in the transactional. In the name of efficiency, we are sacrificing humanness. With durable skills, however, we shift from transactional to relational. And it is in relations where the richness of life and creation of possibilities lies.

To put it another way, ChatGPT may be a great ‘oracle’ that provides answers on demand — even on how to avoid acting like a jerk. In fact, when I asked ChatGPT this question, its answer hit all the right points: relying on self-awareness, empathy, humility, and respect to ‘navigate social interactions more positively.’ The app even provided a ten-point list from ‘listen actively’ and ‘think before you speak’ to ‘apologize when necessary,’ ‘be inclusive and accepting,’ and ‘work on your emotional intelligence.’ Great answer!

But it will remain only information on a screen without a human to interpret and embody that advice through self-reflection and self-regulation. We are the ones who must apply those insights in the context of relationship building.

 

From Scarcity to Abundance

Admittedly, pushback on such ideas is inevitable. For example, it may seem unrealistic to invest the time and energy in an interaction that will likely not lead to anything in the immediate term, if at all. The root of this resistance is a perceived lack of resources, especially time. People tell themselves it’s better to ‘cut and run’ — delivering a quick no and moving on — than spend more effort. On the surface, it may seem logical.

Such thinking, however, reinforces scarcity mentality. The belief is there are not enough resources; therefore, everyone must compete to win what they need. This mentality can become a trap, propelling us to move faster and faster until we become ‘human doings’ instead of ‘human beings.’

The alternative is a perspective of abundance, which fosters investment in connections and relationships. This is what Fernande was trying to show the program officer at the foundation. Without expending much more time and effort, he could have declined her pitch while preserving the relationship. Or, as she described it: “I wanted to show him that, if you cannot give money, then give your respect and warmth.”

Many business leaders agree, seeing an abundance mentality as a way to foster creativity and innovation and to increase learning and adopting a growth mindset to continue our evolution as individuals, teams, and communities.

In an age in which people are increasingly connected through digital communications, it's important to remember how our interactions come across. Even ChatGPT can explain it: Don’t be a jerk. By taking the lesson to heart, we can all be better, kinder humans.

 

Ulrik Juul Christensen, MD 

Executive Chairman, Area9 Group

CEO, Area9 Lyceum

 

This article was previously published in Forbes.